May I please introduce myself? If you are free right now? And there is nothing of more impor- arg! Okay, so here I am.

One of those late night balcony thoughts

Recently I sat with a good friend of mine on her balcony, having that traditional summer evening conversation on life and everything in and beyond. Doing so, we talked about how we, as women in science, should have the confidence of an average white, hetero, cis male, and how this would substantially improve our lives. It might strengthen our voices when presenting our results and being questioned by someone who has absolutely no expertise in the very field we are working in. It might also give us the self-centeredness to care less about the feelings of others — and always consider us their projection of desire, sneaking our way into their mental capacity and then avoiding any responsibility for theirs.

But it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like us. The whole idea reminded us of that specific ick you get when sneaking back into socks you’d just freed yourself from because they were wet, but you have to leave now and they’re still not quite dry. A bit itchy, a bit cold, but a lot “not right”.

Still- there was some temptation to it. And so we concluded that we do stick to our humblesness but agreed to try a little boldness for ourselves.

Why do I write, why do I read

This is my very first bit of boldness. I decided to consider myself and the thoughts that race through my mind like my beloved racing bike on a freshly inaugurated bicycle boulevard in the city center, of sufficient interest to start a blog. A blog in which I share exactly that. Thoughts, experiences, insights, but let’s stay honest — questions, mostly (You might stumble across an answer every once in a while, but I do not provide any guarantee here). Glimpses about what life as a female scientist looks like. Or life as a first-generation academic. How I look at sustainability and the ongoing struggles I have with living a life that is, per se, not sustainable enough for every person on earth to lead it. And how seemingly easy the people around me manage to do so. Comments on books I read that inspire me or leave me repulsed. Events I attend, journeys I go through. All in all, texts on a life that leads me to unknown places with neither map nor GPS signal.

I want to share these because it is something I would have loved to read. Insights into actual, everyday science life. What made me realize that I am not only one of the only female voices in the room, but definitely also the only one whose parents had never set foot in a university lecture hall. And how that shapes my view. Which struggles but also benefits arise from that, and whose thinking influences my behavior. I would have inhaled these texts the way I inhale the fresh air of an autumn storm or the petrichor after a summer rain. Because it is hard work to challenge one’s own thinking or even entire systems, and I would love to assist with that for the people who know exactly what I’m talking about — and their allies, who want to understand it. Or anyone who cares enough to read.

Taking up space

Now, I am not regularly perceived as a shy personality. Quite the contrary, I’d say. But there is a huge difference between being bold in person, when I can see the reactions live, watch a thought arise on my opponent’s face and how it’s articulated in real time — and just putting it out there. Into the void. Into this strange ecosystem we call the internet. Where I not only don’t know names, but also don’t see faces or gestures, or hear the voices. The internet seems to be this strange place where hostility is the everyday currency of attention, and carefulness and empathy are the worst crimes one can commit. And I am afraid of this negativity. And pictures of male genitals in my inbox, not gonna lie.

Surely there is some sort of co-dependence of my identity and my hesitation to “put myself out there.” I am, in my current position, already an outlier in the statistics. How can I dare to push it even further? To extend this visibility beyond advertisement-based platforms to an individual website, and even a blog without any character limits or benefit for our tech overlords? I am not sure that, indeed, I can. I am not sure whether I have the long-term ability to endure the stress this endeavor might put on my shoulders. I am not even sure what would make me stop and what would keep me going. But I do know that boldness, unlike any beach chair, cannot be occupied although this impression may arise. There is no german, mid-50s Harald with sandals who puts his towel down on “boldness” and reserves it for himself — and himself only. And I also know that I am sick of asking for every bit of every cake I have ever wanted. And so I am taking what floats freely in space. The boldness to raise my voice and make you listen to it. In your head, at least. Just as long, or as short, as you wish to, and as I am willing to keep going.

So knuckle up, dear reader. Prepare yourself for late-night texts or long-train-ride comments on the commitment issues of the German academic system, astonishing personalities, and micro- or macropolitics. And keep your inbox open for the next bold text.

Stay tuned — I surely will,

Zarah